The Space Between Us

In this glaringly bright age of technology and information where posting our current meals, outfits, thoughts, etc. have been commonplace, it's easy to create an image of ourselves that we want our loyal followers to see and believe. Hell, even we believe this image of ourselves we copy and paste over and over like factory dolls completing a task. We've been trained and conditioned to believe that it is "cool" to be aloof to our own being, to respond with "I'm good, how are you :)" in an all-too-preppy voice that definitely isn't our own, and to quickly pull out our phones whenever we become hyper-aware of ourselves and our surroundings.

Like many of you reading this, I had been pushing my Self into the deepest, darkest cavern I could find beneath all my constructed layers of falsehood. The scary part is, most of us aren't even aware that we're doing this - we've become "comfortably numb" to our actions, to quote Pink Floyd.

Though who I truly was would come back to me in infrequent and sporadic waves that would crash sometimes gently, sometimes aggressively into me, the bouts of realization never lasted. Just as the waves slowly regress back into the larger unknown, so would my Self. That is, until I turned the lens on myself and gave up control.

I'm currently in a summer photography class, and everyday, we're given small photography prompts to complete and post for our professor to see. On one particular day, we were given the task of sitting with someone for an extended period of time while a camera documented our subtle changes in attitude, expression, demeanor, and cadence. When I first read the prompt, I naively assumed that it was almost too simple. Sit down, relax, and take a few pictures while I'm at it? Easy. 

After the first minute of sitting with my mother while letting the afternoon light sift between us, I soon became aware that the entire situation was all but unbearable. I couldn't understand why at first - I'd sat for much longer periods alone with my mother before, so why was it bothering me now? I then realized that it was the camera itself that instilled within me this dread - the dread of being known.

The camera causes our entire demeanor to change as soon as it fixes its unforgivingly honest gaze upon us, a gaze that could expose the real us if we're not careful. We become more aware of every action that we do and sound that we choose to make: the good, the bad, and the unexplainable. In this case, I nervously shifted and tensed up in fear that whenever I looked at the resulting images, I would find that the camera had succeeded in bringing me face-to-face with my Self that I'd suppressed for so long. 

I had become so accustomed to directing and being in control of my own image, that the very threat of my construct being broken, if even a little, was enough to cause slight panic. 

Something magical happened after the first five minutes or so though... I quit caring. I forgot. I became aware of the present and of the person beside me scooting up closer to show me a funny video she found. I became aware of the way the light bounced from window to couch to my mom's hair to our coffee table to....the camera. The camera that was capturing it all. The good, the seemingly bad, and the unexplainable. And I smiled. 

As I looked back through the photos that were taken of us, I forced myself to see Me. Not my messy hair, my awkward positions, nor my strange expression in the third picture. Just Me. The being who was utterly obsessed with animals as a girl, who raises her left eyebrow whenever amused, who always applies mascara to her right eye first, who walked the streets of Berlin alone at night, who loves art but is scared to pursue it....who is Me. 

Our expressions, voices, personalities, movements, and every unique trait in between is not there to taunt us, but rather to bind us. If we all were the same puzzle piece, we could never all fit together to form a wonderfully complicated and beautiful puzzle. Each of us is lined with different edges, curves, and dips that allow us to all come together and join as One. The longer we hide who we are, the longer it will take for this puzzle to be completed. 

Perhaps that is our true purpose in life: waking up to our true Self and unique power and then fostering an environment where others, too, can wake up. Maybe one day the puzzle will be completed. Maybe one day I'll stumble again and have to relearn the lesson. So be it. The good thing about a puzzle is that even though you can take a piece away, the spot it left will always be there waiting for whenever it decides to return.