I Am Enough

If you would have told me only three months before I moved to NYC for the summer that I'd end up there, I would have scoffed in your face yet remained silent in hopes that you were right. Before I moved up there for the summer, my mom gave me the ultimatum of either finding an internship or working at a local chain in our tiny hometown of Jackson, TN. I couldn't stand the idea of being trapped in a town that kills more local businesses than it allows to start, so internship it was. For some reason, my mind was drawn to the idea of interning in New York City, but I wasn't too happy about it. To be honest, I didn't think I was qualified enough to get an internship, let alone in New York City - the city that's known to chew up bright-eyed and hopeful youths and spit them out without a dime or smile to their name.

After numerous breakdowns and cry-sessions, my mom told me that I shouldn't let fear hold me back; "Who knows what could happen? The worst that could happen is that they say no, but the best? The best that could happen is that they say yes," she encouraged. 

Deep inside, I knew she was right. I could promise myself that I'd try to get more experience so that by next summer I would be more likely to get an internship, but that would mean that I would have let my fear and insecurity win. And if I let them win this round, how many more would they rip from my fingertips? So I began to apply. After a month of applying to internships, I didn't want to see the words "Cover Letter" or "Resume" ever again. 

Then began the waiting game. Tom Petty sang about how the waiting was the hardest part, and this experience backed up his words more than ever. Without the sound of my fingers frantically filling out an application form to drown out my thoughts, the doubts and worries began to scurry and scratch their way back into the forefront of my mind, burrowing themselves deep inside. "Am I good enough?" "Am I good enough?" "Am I good enough?" were the faint whispers that their scratching made inside my mind, gradually becoming louder and louder until..... I got an email....They wanted an interview. Me. An interview. 

Though the first place I interviewed with went well and I was hopeful...it fell through only a few weeks before the summer would be starting. I tried not to blame myself, but it's sometimes hard to separate yourself from your experiences since the two are seemingly wound tight together. A week before June, I got an email out of the blue asking if I would be up for an interview with Oxford University Press. The bubbling excitement came floating back up, but I didn't want to get my hopes up. I noticed something different, though, this time around. I was so much more sure of myself than I had been a month prior interviewing with the other company. I allowed myself to fumble my words and laugh it off. I prepared more. I remembered to breathe and realized that the interviewer is only human too. Most importantly, I didn't allow any negative thoughts to flood my system - I am me and that is enough, whether the company sees it or not. I am enough. 

I guess it's safe to say and obvious enough that I got the internship, which led me to New York City...the city that eats you alive...the city that has it all...the city that allowed me to grow into my new chapter in life.

For anyone who is in the position now that I was in just over a year ago, know this: You don't have to have all the answers, nor can you ever; though we shouldn't let fear dictate our lives, we shouldn't cast it out all together - fear is a valuable teacher and mover in our world; never allow anyone to tell you who you are and what you're worth besides yourself, but be even more careful of who you tell yourself you are, for what you say is who you become; lastly, you are enough.

If I had known the above wisdom, perhaps I could have saved myself a few weeks of exhaustion and mental havoc, but I wouldn't have been able to be here now to guide you if it all went smoothly. It is only with bumps in the road that we can be pushed up higher for a brief moment of clarity.